Abuse in the Legal Process: How Abusers Get Away with Abuse in Family Court - Pt. 1 Coercive Controllers
To understand how abuse is happening in Family Court, one first needs to understand the nature of coercive controllers.
A coercive controller is a master manipulator. They’ve spent a lifetime learning how to get others to give them what they want. They’ve perfected tactics ranging from: playing the victim, guilt, shame, fear, violence, punishment, withholding, denial, lying, cheating, to name a few. Coercive controllers know how present themselves in every situation to get what they want.
To most people they appear charming, engaging, likeable, believable.
Behind closed doors, they are terrorists.
Coercive controllers do not see people as humans. They see them as supply. You are either a person who will do things for them and give them what they want, or you are their enemy. They make this decision about you in every moment. Your history means nothing to them.
A coercive controller’s reputation is critically important to them so when their partner leaves, they are afraid others will discover the truth.
When a partner leaves, the coercive controller becomes desperate to regain control. They become afraid their good reputation is at risk, and because they still need supply from a partner, they want to keep their supply.
If they can’t control their partner, they become desperate and angry.
This is why, the most danger a person is in is when they leave the abuse and the second most dangerous time is when it’s brought to court. The coercive controller risks losing everything that matters to them.
So now place these individuals in a legal process and remember, the coercive controller is a master manipulator. What they want now is to paint their victim as the abuser, to demonstrate there partner is unstable or crazy. The coercive controller doesn’t want to have to give up money or possessions, they don’t want to lose their children who are now pawns in their game. They become hyper aware of the risk to their reputation and will stop at nothing to make their victim ‘pay.’
Remember they are experts at manipulating. They are believable. They know how to sway people in their favor, to be convincing, to get what they want. They’ve been perfecting this since childhood.
The legal system then becomes their playground. They can stall the process, feign the victim, paint their partner as ‘crazy’, or at the very least a willing participant who was also abusive. They can spin things. Coercive controllers are experts at lying. And because most often, they hold the power, the hold most of the resources, because they didn’t have to flee and can remain in the marital home - they aren’t in a rush to come to an agreement.
They want what they want and will do anything to get what they want. the legal system provides a perfect environment for the controllers to manipulate the process and everyone in the system.